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Cynically BeautifulChicagoI guess you are all anxiously awaiting to hear about my weekend in Chicago huh?Well the truth is I really dunno what to think...Cathy and I got to the train station where we were meeting Jared at about 2:30. He was there standing in the rain with his umbrella waiting. He got in the car and I immediantly reconized him, not by looks but by the way he talked. He talks in the exact same manner that he uses on-line. Almost a formal way of speaking, I found this to be kinda humorous, but it wasn't a bad thing. He was a very open person and immediantly jumped into conversation. We ran over to the hotel to get rid of some of the stuff so that Rob had somewhere to sit. Then we ran over to the mall to waste time. It felt like we were there forever but it was fun. Me and Cathy we goofy and flirty with each other as usual, just cuz we can be. I saw a delia*s store and was so mad that I didn't have any extra money to spend there... After a few hours we went back to the hotel to try and get some sleep because Cathy has be getting spontaniously tired lately. So we went back there and lay down with the lights off, but of course did more talking than sleeping. Rob called and we were off again to find him. He was standing on the side of the street without a coat on (boys) when we pulled up. I got out to let him in the back and we hugged, which by the way was way overdue... been wanting to do that since... well I dont remember exactly, but for a long time. He was strangely quiet the whole way over to the restaurant, I would ask him things and he wouldn't answer, probably because he was sitting behind me and couldn't hear, but I dunno. This was when I first got the idea that maybe things weren't going to go as planned... At the restaurant he opened up a little but for the most part Jared did all the sugnificant talking. He asked Rob without even consulting us, whether or not we could drop him off at the Train station the next day instead of his house. I thought it was funny, Rob was the reason we were making the trip in the first place, both Cathy and I knew this. There was no way we were dropping him off anywhere but his house. Once we got to the theature, things seemed normal with Rob again. I figure it was just the weirdness of never having physically met and yet knowing so much about eachother. The movie was good but scarey which wasn't surprising for a Stephen King flick, I kept subconciously grabbing Rob's arm and nearly jumping out of my seat and he kept asking if I was ok, which was horribly cute of him because of course I was, it was just a movie. It wasn't until after the movie that things went rapidly, horribly, unexpectently down hill. We got in the car and Rob said that he was just gonna go home, instead of coming bad to the hotel with us because his stomach hurt. Well then. That was all I could think. I couldn't even argue with him, if he didn't want to be with me, then he didn't have to be. I couldn't figure it out. I knew his stomach ahce was probably nerves more then anything and I just didn't get how someone could look so forward to something and just abruptly change their mind. I immediantly jump to the obvious reason. There was something wrong with me. I wasn't pretty enough, or the wheelchair really was to much or I hadn't been what he expected... something. These thoughts pounded through my head throghout the drive to his place and by the time we got there I was practically in tears. He gave me a hug and I told him that I needed his address to send the birthday cards since he never got a chance come back to the hotel and get them. He made me promise that I would call when we got back. So I call him, and he sounds horribly sad. He asked if I was mad and I told him yes that I was, but if his stomach really hurt then there wasn't really much he could have done. Then we hung up. Cathy and I talked for a bit, actually I cried and she talked. She told me that Rob was probably just uncomfortable and that it probably had nothing to do with me. I was pretty and if Rob didn't think so that he would be insane... all the stuff you are supposed to say to someone in my situation. I decided that I needed to call Rob and get some answers. He sounded like he had been sleeping when I called so I asked him if we could talk. He said it wasn't about me or the chair or anything like that, but that he had a few concerns that I don't really feel comfortable sharing here... they were valid, I wish they hadn't been valid but they were. He kept telling me to stop crying but I couldn't help but take the whole thing a little personally... I'm a girl after all and what happened had been one of my worst fears in going into this. He said he would make up to me... that he is coming out here before the year ends to see me, he promised... I guess the worst part is that I am left with like a million questions that he doesn't seem to have the answer for... all he said was that he can't give me what I want right now, whether or not he wants to give me what I want still remains unknown as is the question of how he feels about me and what I am supposed to be doing now. The rest of the weekend was OK, I tried not to be down, but it was obvious that I wasn't myself, I just couldn't help think that he was only 20 minutes away and he wasnt there... I don't understand... I guess I have no one to blame but myself... I really like Rob, and I let myself care before I actually knew it was happening... even after all this I still care, I am not even mad, not at him, just at the situation... I wish this could be easier. We got a tour of Chicago, got to go to the Virgin Records store and eat mexican, we got to talk to random people on the street and get lost in a parking lot. The weekend was fun to say the least, it just wasn't what I expected, but I think, thats ok. Rob got a new car today, he told me what kind but being a girl I don't remember these things well. I hope he really does come out here, Sometimes I wish I could see the future... I wish a lot of things...
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