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Cynically BeautifulThis is what is realI hate justin. I hate him for making me doubt everything. I hate him for destroying who I was, for destroying me. I hate myself ever more for letting him. I used to think that I was in love with Justin, now that I have moved myself far enough away from the situation, I can see now that that was foolish. I never was in love with him. What was even more foolish was for me to think that he ever cared about me. He didn’t, I was just someone he knew he could use. Someone who he knew would give him money for pot, someone he knew he could always count on when there was no one else left that cared, or had the money to keep him entertained. I thought I had found the boy that finally saw me for me when in reality I had only found someone who knew how desperate I was for affection, for acknowledgment, for anything beyond a pitied glace and polite conversation, who knew that and used it to get what he wanted. He knew that if he was nice to me that my sister would fall in love, he knew that if he gave me any hope at all for a future that I would be wrapped around his finger. It never dawned on me that I was the one calling and sending birthday cards. He never remembered my birthday, not once.I was naïve to think that he ever loved me, or that even I loved him. The truth is that I was afraid of loosing the complete acceptance that I thought he offered me, but you can’t lose something you never had. Yeah, he saw past the CP but he used what he saw, a naive, lonely, scared girl for his advantage. Used it to get what he wanted. I only wish that I had seen it sooner—before things got so bad. But it took someone really accepting who I was for me to realize that what Justin had given me had never been genuine. Justin saw my scars and was grateful that he wasn’t alone. That isn’t what it means to care for someone. It’s when someone sees the scars and makes me swear never to do it again, that if I did they would do it too, that I realize what it really means to care for someone. It is sacrifice, sacrifice simply because you care and not because you’re afraid. I am not in love with him now, and honestly I can’t say that I ever was. I think I have always known that deep down. I think that is how the whole mess started. I knew he didn’t really care that I was being used, that I was just afraid and that hurt. But I couldn’t let anyone else know that I was hurting. I made myself believe that if other people thought that he cared about me, that he really did. I was never in love with Justin, because I never allowed myself to see who he really was until now. I had made up this guy in my head that was nothing like the Justin he was in reality. I was in love with a fake dreamed up image of which I needed him to be, not him. I guess as much as I know this is true, I am still afraid of seeing him because I know now who he really is and I won’t be able to kid myself anymore. Seeing him would wipe out every good moment I had thought we’d shared. I know they were lies, but if I don’t see him it doesn’t have to be in my face. I just want to move foreword. I have found people now that really do care for me in ways that I always thought Justin did. I know they are not lies this time. They have nothing to gain from it but me. I am so grateful for this that I nearly cry at the thought of it. All that time I wasted, all the opportunities I missed waiting on someone who didn’t even know I was there. I have more important people to invest my time in. Justin will always be a part of me, I have the scars to prove it, but he is out of my life. I will shed no more tears or blood over him. I know now that he isn’t worth it and he never was.
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